My name is Rachel Waddingham, I'm 31 now and have had plenty of experience of madness (both within the psychiatric system and without it). Before joining a Hearing Voices Group I always thought I was alone in my experiences (even being in hospital hadn't really helped me feel less isolated). My experiences in the self help group, though, helped me to realise that I'm one of many people who are finding ways of understanding and making sense of the things that have happened to them

So, what has happened to me? Plenty, I guess. I began believing that I had an alien inside me at the age of 14, but even before then I'd had some traumatic life events that had left their mark. Growing up as a teenager was a struggle, as I'd kept so much of what was happening to me a secret, but I was lucky to get through it more or less intact. OK, so I was self harming to cope - but I was alive.

I was at university when my 'madness' finally bit me on the proverbial behind, spinning me into a cycle of paranoia, voices, self destruction, drinking, visions and confusion. I dropped out shortly afterwards, whent the anxiety and the flashbacks prevented me from turning up to the lectures. It was a hellish time, but I was lucky in that I had a few good friends who stuck by me and supported me to get some help.

I was eventually caught by the system in 1998, which heralded the start of a series of hospital admissions that left me feeling lost, confused and hopeless. On one side it felt great to have the label 'schizophrenia', but on the other hand it just confirmed to me that I had no future and no reason to try. The medication I received was both helpful (in that it did dull down the voices and the distress) and unhelpful (in that the side effects left me sedated, overweight and lacking motivation). Still, eventually I found a combination that seemed to help me more than it hindered.

I became a 'revolving door' patient. I became a 'heartsink' patient. I became the patient that most doctors and nurses gave up on, eventually. My label changed from Schizophrenia to Borderline Personality Disorder (and then back again to Schizoaffective Disorder once I got a second opinion and had stabled out a bit). I've been seen as both mad and bad at different stages in my mental health 'career', neither of which is strictly accurate. In short, I was in a bad state and not one that anyone ever thought I could get out of.

Thankfully, after years of chasing my tail in the psychiatric system and losing my sense of direction (trying to kill myself more times than I can remember precicely because I couldn't see past my distress) I got my life back. I'm not recovered in the 'medical' sense of the word. I still see visions, hear voices, experience mania and have a tendency towards psychosis when I'm stressed out. The difference is that I have found ways of dealing with these experiences, of engaging with the world and finding that spark that I lost somewhere along the way.

I now work in mental health (managing the London Hearing Voices Network at Mind in Camden and providing mental health training & consultancy to organisations), am married and have developed a love of fruit smoothies and gigging with my guitar. I have interests, ambitions and self esteem - all of which were a world away from me when I was at my most distressed. Most of all, I've discovered my voice and a way of expressing myself. I feel whole.

I originally set up this website when I was still struggling and finding my way through the system. My aim was to take some of the empathy, recognition and support that I'd experienced as part of a Hearing Voices Group and use it to create a space on the internet that others could access. MadNOTBad's philosophy is that 'It's Good To Talk', because ... it really is. Mental distress should not be something we are afraid of, ashamed of or uncomfortable with. We're all human beings, and we all struggle - regardless of our label. It's just that some of us struggle more intensely than others.

I hope you enjoy browsing this site. If you'd like to contribute, please do - the more we share our experiences, the better.