For Susan
It Matters To Me
Lead Weight

For Susan

You never knew how bright your light shone (But I could feel it in my heart)
You never understood how it is that we love you (But I know you knew I did)

You bore the pain and all the heartache (Yet you still managed to have a laugh)
You suffered much in silence (But somehow you learnt to talk)

You hid beneath a weathered shell (To protect you from the storm)
But inside burned a fire bright (I'm glad you let it show)

Despite the things they did to you (You cared with all your heart)
You taught me how to open up (And take my own advice)

I need you to be here with me (It tears my soul to know you're not)
You supported me when things were bad (Helped me be the girl I am)

Throughout it all we shared our fate - the joy, the tears, the coffee
In the end, despite it all, I hope you knew that I was there

And now my heart is reaching out to you - I hope somehow you feel it
Wherever they have taken you I know that you're at peace
You are the bravest person that I could ever meet

Thank you for your time with me
I'll miss you (to say the least)
But I'll carry you in my heart, not forgetting all you are

I hope that I can make you proud - and do the things we planned
Your memory is one of the most precious things that I will ever have

I love you, and I always will
Goodnight, my friend. Get the sleep that you deserve.

Rachel Studley © 2002

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It Matters To Me

It matters to me why I can't sleep at night
Why I hide in the dark afraid to turn out the light
Why angels don't wear their sparkling wings
And demons come accessorised in four shades of pink

'Cause here in the dark when I turn out the light
The thoughts in my head start picking a fight
Running through mazes getting nowhere fast
But nowhere's not somewhere that these thoughts will last

It matters to me why my mind won't stay sane
That it's my tablets that keep me from falling away
As inside my soul there's a secret I keep
Only in writing I find my release

It really doesn't matter what the words are I choose
It's just that it keeps me from this self abuse
In unending nights you can think yourself crazy
And I'm here in the dark hoping typing will save me

Rachel Studley © 2002

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Lead Weight

Sit down rest easy for a while
Tell me, TELL ME your problems
Make me smile, 'cause you see
I'm here for you just like the advert said
I'll ease your fears if you ease mine, if you ease my head

I don't understand what I'm doing here
or why I opened up my soul for this dissection
DOES IT PLEASE YOU?
To know my mind, to see my thoughts
My fear, my joy, my anger
AM I THAT MUCH OF A FOOL?

To think that this would have a bearing
On the way I think, the way that I feel
The way that people see me
And most of all how I see myself

But I BELIEVED in you and in the system

Do I line your purse with my tortured tears?
Feed your children with my fears?
And this path on which you walk upon my back, did I pave it?
Does my anger warm you bitter heart?
If it does, tear me apart 'cause.
I don't care

I DON'T CARE!

I'm here for you just like the advert said
I'll ease your fears if you ease mine, if you ease my head

Well take your lies and your bitter sweet truths
I don't need them anyhow, anywhere, anywhy or anyway
And all the POWER that I gave to you,
(Now with joy) I take it away

To think that this would have a bearing
On the way I THINK, the way that I FEEL
The way that people see me
And most of all how I see myself

BUT I BELIEVED IN YOU AND IN THE SYSTEM

Rachel Studley © 2002