Self Harm

A few months back, I got really depressed, there was lots of reasons why. One of them was which home life, I got beat up by my mother, Teased by some peers at school because of bein kinda gothic, and I had really bad memories playing in my head all the time.

One day I read this article. It was about this girl who cut herself. She explained in the article how it relieved all her stress, made her feel good about herself, which made me think. I read the article over and over again until I thought to myself, what if i do this, will it rid of some of my problems will it make me feel better about myself?

So the next time my mam hit me I ran up into the bathroom just before I went to bed n cut myself with the razor. I repeated the same routine for a month or two, until I got bored of seeing the same amount of blood pour out, the same sized cuts, and the same sized scars. I turned to knifes.

Everytime the knifes cut through my skin, i felt a urge of power, a urge of freedom that nothing really matters, nothing can harm me now. It lasted until the blood stopped pouring, and I just felt really bad about myself for doing it. That was another scar I added to my arm. I would go to school, people would take the mess out of me for doing it. Saying things like "Your not supposed to shave your arms" But even though they were hurting me so much, it made me want to go do it even more.

It was a week away from me going on my holiday. I decided I wouldn't do it, and that maybe the holiday would help me sort out this obsessive problem I've got. But because I made a vow not to do it on my holiday, it made me really agitated n angry. I had a really bad holiday just because of this simple thing I couldn’t do, what was I to do? I felt like hell. Trapped in my own skin because of my scars. Paranoid that everyone was looking at me, and laughing, even though i didn't know them! This was when I decided it had to stop for definite when I got home. I didn’t like. I still did my old habit.

I started to feel worse. This problem was attackin me on the inside, and became my only enemy. It was eating me up inside, I didn't know what to do, then I thought about it "suicide" I never actually had the guts to do it, but now I'm thinking about it more then ever, its a freedom, and escape from life. its been 3 days since I last cut myself, how much longer am i going to last until i do the next slash? In total i have 50 scars on my body because of it, most of them aren’t small either. Even though I know I have to live with them for the rest of my life, why can't I stop doing it? I have not yet found the answers.

Jodie

If you're struggling with self harm, know someone who is or just want to find out some more information - see my Self Harm links section. If things are so bad you feel suicidal, or are in a crisis, then please talk to someone and/or see the links in my Suicidal/Crisis section.Take care of yourselves xxx Rachel