Which One Is Me?

I grew up in a "happy Christian Family", apparently I always looked happy, and hardly ever misbehaved. People say I am kind, loving and thoughtful. I used to do well in school. The 'other' me, is pretty crazy I guess. I remember killing small animals since I was about 5, I hated my self so much. When I was 3 I was so mad at myself I tried to suffocate myself with a breadbag.

I get so confused. When I’m at school, I want to do well. I feel really motivated, confident and happy. Then I get home, and I cant breathe. I just want to hurt myself and/or others. I force myself to sleep with strangers. I hate school, i think its so stupid. Its not like I need to go or anything, I only want a crap job anyway. I just want to run away and hide forever. But I stay, and I hate myself for staying.

Then I go back to school and everything’s good again. I like myself and feel like I’m an ok person. Everything else just seems like a dream. I am losing a lot of marks because I can’t do assessments anymore. When I’m home I think they're stupid. When I get to school I realise I’m stupid. And I just can’t seem to explain it to anyone, even if they got it, what would they do?

I’m so confused. I wish I could just be one person all the time. I wish someone else could understand, I wish I didn’t hate myself so much. I wish I knew how to change.

I just want it all to be over.

Zoe Knox