My Story

I have never told anyone like this before. I feel like I'm going crazy. It's so hard to get these words to look right on the page.

People don't realise how messed up my head is, not even those closest to me. I used to cut myself but people saw that. I don't want that attention, I just want to help myself in the only way I know. I stopped cutting myself and people stopped asking me how I was.

That’s how I like it, it's like my secret. To everyone else I have everything. I'm 17 and I have a car, a flat and a puppy. I am grateful but I'm slowly dying inside.

I don't know what's wrong with me. I can only hope that it won't last forever but it just keeps getting worse and worse. I don't even know what IT is. I can't explain it, that’s why counselling and stuff doesn't work. I just can't put my feelings into words.

I smoke pot and pretend that helps, but deep down I know it's making things worse.

All these feelings build up inside and occasionally I have a breakdown. I just go mad. Once I told my mum I hated her. I feel so, so guilty for that. I feel guilty for a lot of things.

Sometimes I get so angry. I used to cut myself but now I just bang my head against the wall and smash things up. No one knows then and it calms me down, I suppose because I almost knock myself out. But then I get this headache which makes me angry again.

When I have these breakdowns there is only two people that ever see. They still don't really know how bad things are

I live in a 4th floor flat and I think about jumping but then I see my puppy and she needs me. I stay for her. I stay for my family because at least this way it is me that has all this pain and not them.

Sometimes I just stop thinking. I can't talk to anyone or do anything. I don't understand this, I don't understand anything.

Emma Thornley