Just a note: If you're stuggling with some of the issues mentioned below please talk to someone about it and get some support. Feel free to check out the links section or MadNOTBad's support forum. Take care of yourselves xxx Rachel

Struggling

I remember, how I used to get so upset about the 50 scars which were on my body, I remember writing my first experience of my obsession on this website, I remember the hard times which slowly got worse, I remember my first escape.

Over a year back I started a very serious and dangerous habit. Self-Harm. Something which some people instantly note me as a freak for. I was having a hard time when I first started it. I was losing many friends at school because of my changing appearance. They didn't agree with the music I was starting to get into, and the black I was constantly wearing. At home, for a while, I was having to put up with being beaten very badly from my mother. Her and my dad were constantly arguing, and before that I had a very bad past. Full of violence, let downs, and misery.

So I got into cutting myself. Tearing open my own skin just to watch the blood pour out like a slow waterfall. Dribbling down my arm, and you wouldn't believe how much I sometimes wanted to run dry of bleed just to eternally sleep. I didn't know anyone who knew about this habit until about 6 months into doing it. I thought knowing these people would help me, maybe overcome it, but they didn't, they actually made it worse. They influenced me in a strange way to do deeper cuts and do them in large quantities. I realised I was very depressed and in need for a lot of affection once I was with this gang. The thing is though, even though they weren't helping me, they made me feel accepted. hardly any of the other people in school would accept my only way of escape and pain release. They took enjoyment out of bringing me down for it. They wanted to hurt me more just to see more cuts on my arm the next day. One day, I remember sitting in my maths class, sick to death of the comments some people seemed to be making. I can't remember what I was feeling, or what was actually said, but I took out a blade which I had took from a sharpener, put my hand up my sleeve and did a massive gash on my left arm. I was so shocked with myself. Also I was admitted to hospital. I was so shocked with myself, so disgusted.

After this was when the true suicidal feelings appeared. My friends were slowly disappearing, my marks were dropping in school, I was always being excluded, and I just felt isolated. So one night, after many attempts of slicing the wrist with both quick fierce gashes and slow pain relieving ones, i decided to drink as much alcohol as I can and take an overdose. Obviously it didn't work, and I probably should have been admitted to the hospital again but instead I left my body to naturally work it out by puking up for a full day.

Time went on, more attempts were made and none worked. By this time I just wanted someone to love me, to care for me. I became desperate and threw myself into any relationship that came a long. Obviously none made me feel any better, until I met this one person and we decided to take things slowly. We clicked straight away, he seemed to understand me, and he was the first person who made me feel as though I meant something.

I fell in love with him. We've had struggles. He’s been kicked out of his house many of times for self-harming. Which is when he didn't accept me doing it as much. Every time he saw a cut on my arm he'd get upset and sometimes even in a mood with me which didn't help and blamed it on his self. For a while my mind wouldn't co-operate with me. My feelings were all over the place. I got paranoid that he was going to go off me and leave me for someone beautiful and intelligent. Someone who could make him happy. I didn't know what to do to solve these feelings. That's when I slowly developed a slight eating disorder. I'd starve myself and for a while make myself sick if I ate something. It was a secret for a long while but I've over-come that now. He also helped me through a bad time with my dad who I barely see anymore. He beat me up very badly, social services were involved and everything. And he was by my side through it all :)

I'm still with my boyfriend. Over 6 months now which is amazing. I haven't stopped self-harming. I haven't stopped beating myself up for silly mistakes either. I have help and it's working. All I want to say to people who have struggled with their lives and feel at all suicidal get help immediately! Don't feel ashamed. There's plenty of people with the same problems as you, you're not alone and that's what you must realise. For a long while I thought I wouldn't be where I am now. I didn't think I'd be able to survive. But here I am, and I'm happy, I still sometimes have my depressed days where I just wish something would kill me. They easily pass now and have become rare. When you think that life can't get any worse it gets better. Learn from your mistakes your experiences and soon in time you'll be able to pass wise advice onto other people. So chin up, and face the world!

Anon