As Always: If you're going through a tough time and some of this strikes a chord with you - take care of yourself and get some support. You can look at the links section (there are plenty of self harm/crisis/eating distress/young peoples resources there) or MadNOTBad's support forum. xxx Rachel

Scared To Life

I'm not from a bad family. I had my mom and my sister and they loved me, I was the only one close to me who didn't love me. I made friends easily and people looked at me and they saw a happy person. But I wasn't happy. I went through a phase where I would throw up after meals eating only breakfast to keep my stomach quite during classes. Then I started to cut. It was soo much easier than throwing up, and less harmless. At least that was what I thought. I know that cutting myself is bad but I can't stop. I first started cutting in the middle of eight grade I was fourteen. I wasn't so much cutting as scratching I started with a thumb tack and moved to safety pins. In my class at school there were other girls who cut themselves and I went ok it's no big deal, they even figured out that I cut too and made a joke out of it like it was some secret club. I lied and hated myself to the point where i would stare in the mirror and go this isn't me, it can't be! I felt out of place everywhere and cutting felt right. I would and still do tell my mom and my sister that they're just everyday scratches, cat scratches i say.

They don't know anything. I wear long sleeves and freeze whenever anyone looks at my arm. I want to tell but I can't. When grade 8 was over on the last day of school I stole a bottle of painkillers from my teacher. I stole them without even thinking about it, it still disgusts me that I feel no guilt. I hid them on my room and continued to collect pills. I still cut myself and I loved the way I bled. I started using scissors. Some days i would wake up feeling so ugly that all I could do was cry. I started to hate being around other people and choose to be secluded hanging out in my closet, where I felt safe and warm.

I would cut at night after i showered, it felt odd to me; cleaning myself then doing such a horrible dirty thing. One night i was sitting in my bed and with all of the painkillers that I had 'collected' lined up on my bed in front of me, I even went downstairs and got the glass of water. I was looking at the pills and seriously thinking about taking them. I did take some, I took 3 or 4 before i realised what was happening and stopped. I scared myself to life ~ funny way to put it, isn't it? I know that I still won't stop cutting, even now. I know that I couldn't. I won't keep the pills I will toss them. I want to live and learn.

I'm not a bad person, I just don't know what to do

Maya