Just Confusion

Ok.. so yeah, another story .. I want to tell it though because.. infact, to be honest I don't know what I should say.

At this present moment in time I feel nothing. Maybe paranoid? I know something bad is going to happen but I don't know what or when, all I know is that it will involve me and I won’t know how to cope.

Where to start. Lets see ...

Well, I got officially diagnosed with "Clinical Depression" about 2/3 years ago with a psychologist I got referred to who, when one time I phoned up after trying to kill myself replied,” You’ll be fine, just sit down and have a cup of tea". Hmm.. Didn't go back after that.

I think my depression has went on longer though, stemming from early childhood.

In my early teens, say 13/14 was when it got worse. I would get my mother to take me to the dentist (the dentist!) or the doctors with pains that weren't there. Not physically anyway. When I went to my doctor when I actually couldn't do anything accept lie on my couch, crying or sleeping, she thought that this was all maybe my way of reaching for help. Was put on anti-depressants which made me worse. Got put on different ones which had no effect for a while then I went crazy. Was off pills for a bit till few weeks ago where I got put back on them because of eating problems...made me feel sick.

God, I can't muster the energy to write this right now. It will most probably end up as mindless ramblings but if some read my ramblings and related and knew they weren't alone it would mean alot.

Ok, Amy let's go. Let's write this.

So.. yeah for the past 2/3 yrs or longer in my opinion, I have felt low, worthless, suicidal etc.

But sometimes I do not know why. I mean, yeah things set me off but sometimes nothing can put me into a major downer.

As of recent, well, past few months, I have been up and down, up and down. Within the space of a few hours. I get so irritable beyond belief, tonight for example, I was by myself, feeling empty, just online when my friend phoned and felt like my privacy was being invaded. I don't want to talk to anyone but then when no-one is there I feel alone. I can feel alone in a room full of people too. It's messed up.

I can be high too though. Been called "eccentric". My friends always find it hard to know what I'm talking about, my trail of thought. Sometimes I can talk so fast, people tell me to slow down or calm down.

Never understood this part till I read up about different disorders and discovered "Manic Depression".

I have never seen anyone about this since "Tea cup Psychologist". This story doesn't make sense! I'm sorry. I can't get the words out correctly.

Erm... Well when I am in my room myself, in the dark, I get the feeling someone else is with me. I sometimes feel a presence. I don't know what kind of force but I do.

When I walk about my house at night time, walking up the stairs, going into the kitchen, I feel like something/someone is going to jump out at me. My heart actually races as I walk upstairs at night.

Another thing I do is certain things in a specific way like I open my window wide open at night before I go to sleep and if I don't do that I will assume something bad will happen. If something bad happens I put it down to something I have said I would do and not done.

Suicide plays alot on my mind. I have a plan. I know what I would do. I have never attempted but recently it gets too hard to handle and I want to do something about my confusion I live in.

One time I actually got my bike to go and "analyse" the grounds for my plan. My saddle was too high as my dad had adjusted it earlier that day. That kinda blew up in my face.

I have tied a lamp wire round my neck to see how it would feel to strangle myself.

Hmm.. I don't know. This isn't really a story come to think of it. Just a list of things really. Is it a list? I have no clue. No clue what-so-ever anymore.

I am so cold.

Amy