There Is Light At The End Of The Tunnel

I have been suffering from clinical depression since I was about 10 years old. I am now 48 soon to be 49. Of course at 10 yrs old my parents could not figure out what was wrong with me. Neither could I. I just had too many what I thought were just gloomy days. I would spend a lot of time at other people’s houses, this seemed to help somewhat. Years went by and I just thought I was just the kind of person who liked to be alone at times and just think very serious thoughts. I tried to remedy the moods by changing whatever was going on at the time in my life, whether it was a new boyfriend, new hobby, hanging around with new people. I always had to have something new to look forward to. This strategy worked for years. My grades in school were terrible, I had no attention span. I could not memorize anything. Years ago they did not catch ADD so we just silently suffered while everyone thought we were not trying hard enough. That was really great for the self-esteem.

At the age of 28 I was at my mothers recovering from minor day surgery (the day before). I woke up.. walked into the kitchen to fix me a cup of coffee and out of the blue I had my first panic attack. I called for my mother and told her something is wrong with me.... It was the strangest feeling I have ever felt. It was like I was on the outside looking in. Then my heart started racing as fear crept in. Those of you who have experienced a full blown panic attack know that you actually do believe you are going to take your last breathe.. This is IT! Despite what many doctors say you do think you are dying. It was by far the scariest experience of my life. After my mother was able to calm me down we called the surgeon thinking maybe something about the surgery or anaesthesia may have had some affect on me. I went to see him that afternoon and he said there was nothing wrong as far as he could see. He was a personal friend of the family so I knew he did not know why this was happening. All I knew was that I never wanted to have another one again. I was in a very confused state of mind for several days. I then went to old family doctor who took one look at me and said you are experiencing anxiety. He gave me a prescription for a mild antidepressant. (Triavil) This medication seem to keep the panic under control but sedated me too much. If I didn't take the meds I had the Panic attacks. (For no reason) I would awake from a deep sleep in a panic attack!

So I went to see a Psychiatrist and have been seeing him ever since. For years he and I have been fighting the battle of getting control over whatever causes this. We have never able to figure out exactly what is the culprit here. We can only assume at this point that I have some type of chemical imbalance. I take meds to keep me pretty much at a level. But it took years for us to come up with the combination of medications. When you go to a Doctor.... he cannot prescribe exactly what you need unless you give him the feedback each time you go on how you feel. If he is a good Doctor he will know his medications and he will listen to what you say. That is the key to learning how to live with any mental illness. It’s not going completely away. You have to do research on your own and get your own answers.

Having a good Doctor is only half the battle. Now that's not to say that I don't have days that I feel it would be easier just to give in and let go. Some of you know what I mean. But through the Grace of God I have been able to fight this everyday battle and will continue to fight it. You must realize, I know it’s hard, that you can be in control to a certain extent. I have talked to many people in this situation and I tell them the worst, absolutely worst, thing they can do is stay inside their house too much. It will consume your entire being. I know this to be a fact! If I can just get out in the morning and go a few places... my mood for the rest of the day is better. Also, I go to a tanning bed about every other day for a 15 to 20 minute nap. The light therapy from the bulbs really makes you feel better. It is documented that some people need light to make them feel better. Years ago I would always lay out and get a good tan in the summer. I did not realize this was actually making me feel better. It was having a physical effect on my mood. Going to a tanning bed now makes me realize the truth in that. On the days that I go I feel 80% better as soon as I leave the salon. I have even gone months without any sun just to see what would happen. My mood would spiral straight downhill over a period of a few weeks.

Now I don't like laying in the sun now, its just too hot...and the tanning bed gives me the bronze look that I like. Now there are Doctors who don't agree with getting tan by any means other than a spray tan etc. Well, my Doctor says moderation is the key to overall health. You can abuse anything. You have to find what will work for you. For you who feel you have demons I know you really do feel like you are being possessed by something you have no control over. You are right to some extent. Its good verses evil. You can make the evil somewhat go away. I have been there, down at the bottom, wanting everyone to leave me alone! I could go on and on but I will leave you with this, although you may think you are alone you are not. There are millions of people in this world experiencing Depression, Panic Disorder, Bipolar, ADD etc. You can have several of these illnesses at one time and not realize which is the original culprit. Please find someone to talk to ...email me if you want to.. I have talked to hundreds of people about this. I even sent a magazine an article I wrote on the subject. They published it in their next issue. I referred to depression in the article as "The Black Dog". It enlightened people to just how devastating the problem really is. We have to help each other and know that we do care about how each other feels.

Thank-you for taking the time to read this
Have a Blessed Day!
Kristina
knlboss@aol.com