Smiling On Your Birthday

everyone says smile its your birthday
but a birthday isn't something to smile about anymore
they say find the light at the end of the tunnel
but they don't get that there isn't a light there
its just dark, its nightime all the time
i think about just ending it
i hold the bottle in my hand thinking about whether to do it or not
then i think a gun would be easier
a knife would hurt more
jumping wouldn't be so bad
its not a matter of whether or not to do it
just a matter of how
i realize i want it to be easy for my mom to find my body
not bloody, or pale from being under water
eyes closed like im asleep
some say they want to see their funeral
as far as i know i'm already in the box
under the hard cold ground

Rachael