My Reasons

‘Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house
not a creature was stirring; not even a mouse….
Parents in bed, they’re snoring away,
Brother in pub and sister in room.
Silently laying with nowhere to play
I should be excited and not full of gloom
Blade in my hand – I escape it all now,
Just one little cut and it all goes away.
Hearing my heartbeat I draw a deep breath
As my blood trickles down the black melts to grey.
So calm and so peaceful, I’m feeling relaxed
Perhaps I’m a freak who’s insane?
But either way, for now I don’t care-
Strawberry gashes release all my pain.
I know this is wrong, and it’s only short-term
But I feel so much better already.
Just a few hours ago I was shaking like mad
And now I can hold my hand steady.
This euphoria’s good – I’m escaping this world
I wonder how long it will last.
With each cut I make and with each drop of blood
I escape all the pain of the past.
Now I get scared – don’t think I can stop
My metal is just so compelling.
I feel safe when I hold it – nothing can get me
My eyes fill as I watch my skin swelling.
I must make more cuts, let out more blood
Let all the bad in me, flow away.
Content with my work, and even more tired
I stop, as my head starts to sway.
The "process" is finished; I clean up, get dressed.
My arms sting and no-one else sees.
What I do on the outside’s what I feel on the inside
Though I doubt anyone else would believe.
I stare at my wrist – still not healed from before
Should I just end all of it now?
No, I won’t, I can’t, it’s wrong and I know it
I just can’t see another way out.
It’s not fair to feel like this – not on me, not on Greg
Nor on anyone else I’ve let in.
But I really can’t help it – it just sort of happens
And I conceal it all with my grin.
Would it be better for everyone if I were not here?
I’d be missed but I’m sure they’d move on.
(This is just random thinking, I couldn’t just die
but why me? What have I done so wrong?)
As deeply as I love him, that’s how I hate me;
So passionately, madly, so sure.
He’s such a good person, deserves better than me
Someone innocent, perfect, and pure.
Why am I like this? Messed up in the head
Why’s it all come flooding back?
It must be my fault (so I’ll hate myself more)
How long left before I’m gonna crack?
This big hole appears – dark, cold, and empty
It just comes from nowhere at all.
I’m surrounded by people yet I still feel so lonely
I’d shout-but who’d hear me call?
It completely engulfs me – suffocates, strangles
Sometimes so bad I just want to die.
If I could do something else, then I would and not cut;
Maybe I really should cry.
Still, crying’s not easy – it used to be though
Now it just makes me all scared.
(it lets down my guards and me makes me more vulnerable;
especially if I’m not prepared).
But cutting is different – it causes me pain.
Pain which I feel I deserve.
For letting it happen, for being controlled
By an evil 15 year old perve.
And if I feel numb, if I can’t feel a thing
If I’ve taken a total nose-dive,
Then I think of a lyric that’s SO real to me…
"…yeah you bleed just to know you’re alive".
So it seems at the moment its my way of coping
And until all my anger is gone.
‘til I leave all my pain; all my guilt; all my past
My Crimson Tears will go on.

"elle" 24/12/03