Not Now. Not Ever.

I've been meaning to write this for ages. It was meant to be a story of sugar sweet endings, of triumph against the odds. I wanted to tell you how happy I am, how different things are now that the battle against 'the dark side' had been finally won. I wanted to … Now, though, I feel tears welling up behind eyes that are already sore from crying. The damn that seemed to crumble yesterday and was somehow resurrected today (perhaps with the help of the valium the doc gave me) is now once again under siege. Where the tears come from, I don't know. There's no reason to it. Just a depth of blackness that I thought I had already dispersed with bright sunlight. Well, the sun has gone and it's night once more.

I shouldn't be feeling this. This is not me, not the new me. I've done the whole depression thing and, to quote a friend, I've been there, done that, bought the t-shirt and even taped the mini-series. I help people. I listen, give advice and tell them there is hope. Look at me, I've been to the edge (almost jumped over it) and yet I've crawled back to dry land. With help. Hope. What hope?

I can't do this again. I just can't. I've got things to do, people to see and places to go to. Except I just can't face leaving my room. Still do though, I have to. I can't give up. I can't.

I can feel myself falling.

Positive thinking. Self esteem. Mind over matter. The glass half full. Trying to gain mastery over my mind, I cling to the things that I've leant though my journey. Try to think myself out of this hole. Try as I might, so far I've been unable to imagine a rope or ladder that leads to the light of day. Now I can't even see the point in trying. No, that's not true - it's just so hard.

Treat yourself, have a bath, a facial and do something you enjoy. My advice. Tried and tested, I know it can help. Others. Me? I just can't. Never was any good at taking my own advice. Is anyone?

I'm hanging on though, however unsteady my grip is. I'm not going to let go. I'm not going down that route. Not now. Not ever. Please? I'm loved. I love. Let that be enough to anchor me. Please.

Rachel Waddingham © 2002