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Just a note: This may be triggering for those who are struggling with self harm. If it affects you, make sure you get some support - whether in the 'real' world or online. Chekc out the resources for more info xxx Rachel I CutI cut, or at least I used to. Not in the way dressmakers cut out their patterns in order to assemble a garment of some sort or other. No, not in the way a child cuts out bits of folded paper and then opens it up. A snowflake. There. Beautiful and simple. Something everyone can see and everyone can understand. I cut - but no one saw and no one understood. Overwhelmed with the intensity of emotions unexpressed by 'normal' means, I sat on the floor in the bathroom of my student house. I cut. The world faded away, a distant dream, all I knew was the flow of blood. I watched it swell and mingle, each cut blurring into the next. Fascinated by its beauty, its simplicity. Transfixed. That was all I was, all I needed. Time, essays, abuse, relationships …. Insignificant by comparison - though I didn't compare. But then, when I put the razor down, reality struck home with all the subtlety of one of my former boyfriends. 10 minutes to go. 10 minutes until I have to face the world with my oh-so-happy plastic smile. Lose myself in it. Live the act. Damn, Wai's waiting. Automatic pilot engaged I clean myself up. Stem the flow of blood. Cover my arm. Hide my pain. I'm not yet part of the 'real' world, lying somewhere in between. Still wanting to reside in the peace and clarity of the moment and keep its presence with me - clinging to it like a child holding onto her security blanket. Automatic pilot triumphs once again - engaged because I just 'couldn't' give up. I had uni to get through, friends to meet, parties to be had and people to support. I go out to face the world - Wonderwoman in a KoRn t-shirt and black denim jeans (I never did go for the skin-tight, more material on a miniature hanky, look). But Wai knew So I lived with my secret. Though, as I'm lousy at keeping my own secrets (well, at least the 'new' me is), I 'dared to bare'. I shocked the world with my glittering premiere of a newly cut, and scarred, arm. Only they weren't shocked. In fact they didn't even notice (or perhaps they did but didn't show it). From this I learned that people see what they wanted to see - in this case a 'blading' accident (which was almost right except my 'blade' had no wheels). Not ready to shatter the illusion I colluded (and even encouraged) this charade. I had problems admitting it to myself, let alone anyone else. It wasn't really lying … Ok, so it was. Even Wonderwoman had her flaws (didn't she?). Rachel Waddingham © 2002 |