What Makes Me Smile?

The brightness of nature when the sun is shining and I’m walking home. The colours are so vibrant they just make me feel warm inside. I feel alive again.

The sound of my cat (Oz) purring when he’s cuddled up on my duvet

Singing. I love making music – the way I sound and the feeling when I get it right. It’s like I’m connecting with something good deep inside me.

Drinking a pint of real ale in a good pub with people I feel comfortable with. The atmosphere can sometimes penetrate the gloom of a really bad day.

Being impulsive and just doing something on the spur of the moment – whether it’s getting a video or doing something more radical (like bleaching my hair or dying it pink)

Ice cream. Ben & Jerry’s 'phish food' (choc, marshmallow, caramel with chocolate fish pieces mixed in) is the best so far. The indulgence and naughtiness of treating myself to something so special just adds to the flavour. Yum.

Listening to the Music – I have an album for each mood. When I need to get out some frustration or anger I play something loud and driven, say early KoRn. If I need to relax and get some sleep the Cranberries get an airing, or maybe some lighter tracks by Staind. Even the more ‘girl power’ tunes by Alanis, Michelle Branch and Amy Studt have their place. My life has its own soundtrack.

Having the time, guts and money to go shopping is wonderful. I love browsing for clothes, tacky hair accessories that should by rights belong to a 6 year old, music and little things to cheer up a friend.

Feeling like I can help things get better – make a difference by what I’m doing. I need to believe this is possible else I’d crumble at the first sign of trouble. At the moment I’m making it to the third.

Hugs and affection from those I love, my friends and my family. The knowledge that they care and that they know I care too. I don’t always get it right, but my hearts in the right place. It’s good to know that someone understands that.

Drinking a massive cup of coffee in O’ Brian’s. One that’s so large you’re not totally sure whether to swim in it or drink it. Add to it a slice of Tiffin on the side and I’m even happier.

Getting lost inside a good book, TV program or film. I’ve done this since I was little – i just let myself get totally caught up in the story and nothing else exists. It’s frustrating for anyone who’s trying to get my attention, but it’s great for me as I’m able to forget for a little while.

Memories of the things me and Susan have got up to in the last year or so. We did so much together and even though she’s gone I can cling onto those thoughts and smile. We did have some very funny times.

Patchouli essential oil – the smell of it has good associations to me. It makes me feel safe and protected.

My duvet – I can get lost in it when I’m having a rough day. It doesn’t judge me, it doesn’t answer back and I always know where to find it.

Everything (when I’ve just come out of a depression, that is) – I feel glad to be alive. Everything is in such stark contrast to when I’m low. I feel happy to have survived it and take pleasure in things that I took for granted before (and will again once I’ve been well for a while).

Dancing. I’ve been going to metal/alternative clubs for many year and I still love the experience (when I’m not too scared to go). There’s something about it that gets out all my negativity and rage at things I can’t control. I get lost in the music and it feels good.

‘Off the wall’ conversations where neither of you is completely sure what you are talking about and how you got there in the first place.

Writing this (it has reminded me that there is good stuff in the world – I sometimes forget)

Rachel Waddingham © 2002