Just a note: This article explains my feelings after losing a friend to suicide. As such, it may be triggery to those who have been in a similar position. As always, take care and get support if you need it. For some ideas/suggestions, see MadNOTBad's resources section xxx Rachel

It Hurts

Tonight the grief is in me. It sears through my veins, through my tears and carves up what’s left of my soul. I don’t understand how I’m still breathing or how come I’m still in one piece (physically, at least). It hurts. Everything hurts – my eyes spew shards of glass down my cheeks and my whole body aches. An ache so intense I can’t bear it. Why am I alive? I feel like I should be dead.

Life goes on as normal with each hour, each second, taking me further away from you. I want to freeze-frame. To press the pause button and rewind back reality to where I left you. I should be there. With you. Now. Why hasn’t time stopped? Why are things still moving on? Why???

I know this all sounds far too melodramatic. The part of me that is still carrying on, coping, looks down on me right now and understands that it's ridiculous. Of course I can go on. Of course it hurts. Feel the pain. Get on with it. Put it behind you and move on.

I HATE THOSE WORDS. Move on? I don’t want to move on. I’m not sure I ever will. Am I supposed to forget you, or put you into a little box and file it away under ‘the past’? Bring out your memory maybe once or twice a year, for special occasions, and say ‘those were the days'? You are NOT my past. NO. I’m not going to let go of you. I don’t care what I’m supposed to do anymore. I don't care .... well most of me doesn’t.

You died and now I’m dying too. Except I’m still meant to be alive. Living life as usual. Transmission resumed, I’m doing normal things. I eat, I drink, I stroke my cat, eat some chocolate and talk to the person sitting next to me like things are ok.

THIS IS WRONG.

I DON’T WANT TO CARRY ON WITHOUT YOU.

I don’t feel than I can. Not tonight.

The pain of grief is strange. Nothing in my vocabulary can explain it as it is. There’s an ache deep inside that’s full to the brim with tears and is screaming out in agony. A tormented soul? The tears I cry don’t touch it. They don’t even come close to it.

I need the sun to explode into itself. To feel the earth break open and hear thunder roar. Something to mark your passing and bear witness to the agony that’s left behind. HOW COULD YOU LEAVE ME BEHIND? You know that I love you. We got through hell together – TOGETHER! Why did you leave me to mine? Alone?

I don’t want to face the day. It feels wrong that I can go forward from this place. That in time I will begin to heal. I don’t think I can. Nothing has ever hurt my insides so bad.

I need you to be here with me right now. Maybe it’s a dream. A nightmare like the ones you used to have. I’ll wake up in the morning, maybe be sick with post terror emotions, and give you a call. You’ll listen and we’ll laugh about it, maybe I’ll resolve not to each cheese so close to bedtime, and you can promise me that you’re not going anywhere. That you wouldn’t leave me here.

Whilst I’m typing this I can almost believe it’s true. I can almost feel some hope, but the lead weight in my stomach says otherwise.

I know that you’re gone. That reality cuts me up more than any razor ever did. There’s no physical mark but I can feel it as sharp as I feel anything. Though I’m not sure what that means as my feelings don’t make sense to me. It feels a little like frostbite – or rather when you come in from the cold and the numbness fades into pain. I lost you – I froze, and now as the world moves on it is trying to revive me. I’m at odds with myself. I don’t want to feel this, but I don’t want not to feel it. Nothing prepares you for this. I don’t think anything could.

I hope that you are at peace and that you don’t know how I feel right now. I keep sending you positive thoughts, of love and warmth, hoping that you take them with you – not my pain. I do know that you wouldn’t have taken your life lightly. You suffered more than I can imagine for longer than I’ve drawn breath. You deserve eternal rest more than anyone I know. Sleep easy and know that I understand. I miss you and it’s breaking my heart, but I understand and I still love you. I always will.

Rachel Waddingham © 2002