Just a note: If you are struggling with self harm or bullying, please check out the resources section if you need some extra support. Take care when reading this, especially if you feel vulnerable right now xxx Rachel

Cutting ...

A month ago my friend told me she slit her wrists. I thought of how disgusting it was, and how I couldn't believe anyone would actually cut their own wrists! She told me it helped get rid of everything bad that happened. I thought to myself "If that is true... can I cut?". She told me never to do it to myself, because I don't deserve pain. But did she? I was so confused.

A few days later a perfect opportunity came. I was at the computer talking to her, when an empty glass fell off the computer and broke. I looked at all of the glass shards in the carpet and all over and told her it was broken. She told me to be careful picking it up. And I thought about it, and absent mindedly began picking up the pieces and throwing them away... but then I thought about it. I put it against my skin and dragged. It was rough, and it hurt. It made a tiny line that didn't bleed. I kept doing it but then I did it again. I did it harder. Not hard enough to make a big slash... but it was about 1/2 an inch, and it bled a tiny bit. Fast forward a few days later, and about 15 small cuts on my hand and arm.

They got worse by the day. It looked really disgusting, but since I am BASICALLY homeschooled, I figured, so what? My dad didn't notice, and it's not like he would care. Then after a few days they started healing and I went back to my old school to show my friends who were "worried". They didn't look bad by then, and soon they were all accusing me of trying to get attention.

I read in a girl's journal how she cut her legs, and I remembered when I saw a girl I knew in P.E.'s scars on her leg. I tried it. And these cut deeper. They didn't bleed much. Then a few days later my brother was giving me more reasons to be angry. My family life isn't what you call perfect. In fact, my mom is in jail right now. My parents got a divorce, and since then I've tried suicide once. Didn't work. And my dad didn't care. Nobody else knew.

Anyway, back to where I was. My brother threw a textbook at me, and it hit my arm really hard. I was just so angry. I couldn't think of anything to do. I was so angry. I wanted to hurt him. But then I thought about it, and I ran to my room, slammed the door, locked it, and cut my arm. One deep slash. And instead of thinking about my brother, I was now trying to stop the bleeding. It took away all of the anger. It just made me try to find ways to stop bleeding.

It's been a week since I last cut, and since my grandparents are coming to stay in 3 days, I've decided not to cut. In 8 days I leave on vacation by myself.. and I'm relieved. I won't be able to cut for a month, and then after that I'm going on another trip.

This may sound like cutting is good. But it's not. I think about what I've done and I feel genuinely sick. It's not right in ANY way. I thought it would solve my problems but now I have more. Now my friends think I do it for attention, now my skin is disgusting and mutilated. Now I get anonymous emails telling me how stupid I am being. Now I'm afraid of one day when I might cut too hard, or too much. I'm afraid of going out of the house without a longsleeved shirt on. I'm afraid of telling anyone why. This is my experience.

Madeleine Claire Towers