Fearful Of Food

I eat. I eat when I don't need to. And the thing is, I can't stop it. Or control it.

I don't want it in my life. This pain and suffering and guilt. The fear that everyone is judging me. Thinking about me. Me ME ME ME. This self-obsession. I'm too fat. "Am I as fat as her?" I think when I'm walking out on the street. "I wish I was as thin as HER" I think. My head screams at me YOU'LL NEVER DO IT. I'll never be thin enough. But why can't I accept me as me? Because I' m not RIGHT SIZE. I can't be me in this skin and in this FAT.

But that's the trick it plays in my head. I am thin. I go to the gym. I have a healthy diet. People tell me I have a nice figure and that I look healthy. I have a bit of flab to tone before bikini-holidays but who doesn't?

So what do I do about it? I put myself on a diet. I do well for a few days. Then I eat. I binge. I don't throw up though but not for want of trying. I just don’t like being sick.

Today I have been "good". The someone at work bought chocolates. "I'll just have one" I thought. I've embarrassed myself by nearly eating half the box. I can't sit here around the corner without OBSESSING about the taste, the feel, the sweet warm feelings I get, the comfort. And then comes the hatred. Self loathing. Guilt. Fear. SELF HATRED and the come-down from the sugar. It's all uncontrollable.

I want to go to a 12 step group to help with this but the fear is too big. I don’t feel I "qualify" but I know in my heart that I do. I have been a binge eater since I can remember.

I starve myself for a day or so after a binge. And I crucify myself with my mind while I'm doing it. I punish myself. I am a bad person for not being able to control it says the devil in my head. I am USELESS. I have NO willpower. But the good side of my head says that I'm not. It's a disease. I'm an addict and an alcoholic. It was drugs and drink and its now food again.

This food obsession and lack of control is something that is becoming more frightening and uncontrollable day by day.

It's becoming bigger than me. And that's what happened with the drink and the drugs. In fact, I think this is bigger than those. I feel as though these thoughts and feelings will never go away whereas without alcohol I am having a good life apart from the food obsession.

Help. That's what my heart is saying. Please help me to be me. I can't let go of it. I can't control it. And I just want to be "right size"

Help.

TPuff