The Little ‘Things’ I Do …

Ok, so I'm going to tell u the weird little things that I do, and why I do it cos I think I kind of know. Only thing is I don't know how to stop it, or is it just that I'm too scared to try?

From what I can remember it all started when I was about 10, I looked in the mirror and saw that I had pulled out all of my eyelashes without even realising that I pulled them! I'll never forget the look on my mums face as she tried to put eyeliner on me, desperately trying to make me look 'normal', I felt like such a freak going to school, especially the days I had swimming.

Well somehow, to be honest I can't remember why or how, I stopped pulling my eyelashes out so much, I mean I still do occasionally but not enough for it to cause problems with my appearance. I then, however, moved on to leg hairs, once they started growing back after being shaved I would spend hours and hours sitting down with a pair of tweezers plucking away, I also squeezed out the little black dots u get when the hair first starts growing. I constantly had little red dots and scabs all over my legs. That black root u sometimes get when u pull a hair is so 'sexy?' Not sure if that's the right word. I'm fascinated by it though. I like to stick it to my nail and slide it around, or stick it to the mirror.

Now I also pick at split ends, and even make split ends in my hair continuously throughout the day. I also pick the skin on my arms until I'm left with a hole in my arm that is pouring with blood! Gross! I occasionally cut when things get way too much for me.

The scars fade with time, but when people ask u how u got a certain scar or really bad scab then what do u say? I get so embarrassed by that question! Usually I end up saying that my cat scratched me or I did it at the stables and not sure how. I don't know whether they believe me or not.

That's as far as my self mutilation goes, then there are a few things I HAVE to do. There is only one fork in my house that I will eat off of. I have to eat equally on both sides of my mouth. First the left side then the right. The right will usually get a little more and the nicer half of things (yeah I'm crazy!!). I like things to be equal aswell, although if they are divisible by 5 then that's ok too.

Just reading that back makes me sound like a right nut!!! The embarrassment!

Now for the reason I do this. Although I'm not 100% sure, I think it is because I don't know who my father is. What happened before I was born and when I was born is some huge family secret. I don't know his name, what he looks like or why he isn't around. Did he die? Did he not want me? Did he not know about me? I have no idea who I am and where I came from, I only know one half of my family and I never got to be a daddy's girl. It's so out of my control and it does my head in every single day of my life. But I can't talk to my mum about it, I think if I did it could be the key to stopping this crazy behaviour, or it could make things worse. I don't know what to do anymore and it's wearing me down.

Funny thing is all my friends think I'm the happiest, bubbliest person they know! I put on a huge happy front. Little do they know that I'm screaming inside all the time. I hate being alone cos it gives me a chance to be miserable, I like to stay around people so I can keep up my act of happiness in the hope that someday I will just become that happy person and not the lonely miserable one.

Sophie

Just a note: If you're struggling with similar issues to Sophie - pulling our your hair, counting/ordering things or feeling lost & alone ... remember you're not alone. Check out the resources section for info on Trichotillomania (compulsive hair pulling), OCD and anxiety. Take care xxx Rachel