Today Was A Bad Day - I’m So Alone

I’m so alone.

My stomach aches with a constant pain… not from a flue or virus but from the emptiness of life that used to feed it. The only focus I am allowed is of my failures, my destitute, and my nothing. I have no free will anymore, just a slave forced too view the ugliness of my inadequacies. There is no escape … so I stare at my nothingness.

I’m so alone.

Offing myself is not an option but I await impatiently for the inevitable to give me peace. I welcome it in any form it chooses, just please hurry.

I’m so alone.

I’m so scarred and afraid, filled with fears. There is no Hope … and Motivation is such a distant faded memory. Was the really me back then? I think not, this is me, this is the only me, the one that has been rotting inside me all along. And here I am … all alone.

I’m so alone.

I can’t stop the tears that come from a dried oasis inside. I just weep. They are wet droplet vessels but carry no cargo. It is just a consistent meaningless flow from my insignificant emptiness. They have no emotional content that others have with their tears of joy and even sadness. Their tears have life and meaning and a purpose. They will also feel better after their weeping.

I’m so alone.

No one to talk to here. All this emptiness just for my incarceration. Some try to come and visit but they are far too healthy to get through. I hear them talking but its muffled. I ignore them not to be rude but I can’t spend a second way from my terror. They move on to that big lie called life.

I’m so alone.

The shear volume of space of my emptiness is unending. I can see forever and it is like outer space with infinity for its boarders. All of it filled with ugly sickening nothing that covers me like a sticky sap that will never come off. So I sit and stare in this hopeless place with no chance of escape. All by myself, no one else here.

I’m so alone.

My limbs, arms and legs are weighted down, not that I have a desire to move them anyway, what for? Too filled with fear. My demons are all with me to insure I keep focused on the task at hand. My nothingness. So I just sit and stare and wait…

please hurry.

Micahel Borton