Just a note: If, like Zoe, you feel confused, lost and hopeless - you're not alone. There is help out there, check out the resources section for some ideas. Some may also find this triggering, especially if they're feeling vulnerable. Take care xxx Rai

Which One Is Me?

I grew up in a "happy Christian Family", apparently I always looked happy, and hardly ever misbehaved. People say I am kind, loving and thoughtful. I used to do well in school. The 'other' me, is pretty crazy I guess. I remember killing small animals since I was about 5, I hated my self so much. When I was 3 I was so mad at myself I tried to suffocate myself with a breadbag.

I get so confused. When I’m at school, I want to do well. I feel really motivated, confident and happy. Then I get home, and I cant breathe. I just want to hurt myself and/or others. I force myself to sleep with strangers. I hate school, I think its so stupid. Its not like I need to go or anything, I only want a crap job anyway. I just want to run away and hide forever. But I stay, and I hate myself for staying.

Then I go back to school and everything’s good again. I like myself and feel like I’m an ok person. Everything else just seems like a dream. I am losing a lot of marks because I can’t do assessments anymore. When I’m home I think they're stupid. When I get to school I realise I’m stupid. And I just can’t seem to explain it to anyone, even if they got it, what would they do?

I’m so confused. I wish I could just be one person all the time. I wish someone else could understand, I wish I didn’t hate myself so much. I wish I knew how to change.

I just want it all to be over.

Zoe Knox