Just a note: This may be a little triggery for people overcoming the effects of abuse, self harm and suicidal feelings. If you're feeling vulnerable or overwhelmed - talk to someone. If you're not sure who to speak to, check out the resources section for some ideas. As always, take care. xxx Rachel

I Want To Recover

I want to wake from this Nightmare.

I want to recover. And to me recovery is getting to a stage in my life, where I knew without a shadow of a doubt that I was going to get through today, and tomorrow would come and it was all good, it was fine. There was no mind numbing terror, no paranoia, that as soon as I was out of ear shot people would laugh at me, think I was stupid, I had no fear of being physically attacked, walking out of my home down to the shops didn’t paralyse me, I didn’t lie in bed shaking for hours afterwards. That to me would be recovery – an ability to lead my life, as I want without having to contend with voices, paranoia, panic attacks or anything of that nature.

I am no longer sure of who I am. Sure, on my birth certificate it states, “Adam Pick born 24/07/1979”, but these are just words. I have no sense of ME at all. I did once, I remember how it felt. I was strong and calm, sure of myself, my likes, desires, needs, all that stuff. I had clear goals. I don’t any longer. I cannot honestly tell you what I am going to be doing next week, because the suicidal thoughts get so bad at the moment I can barely comprehend being here tomorrow. I think recovery for me, is purely being able to see my way clear to the end of the week, without having flashes of killing myself, or sudden urges to burn my arm with my iron, etc. that is recovery.

I don’t want to earn millions, have a successful career even. I no longer want to be a web designer or a pc engineer, I just want to be free of this emotional pain I feel. I want not to feel like screaming, because it hurts that much.

Recovery to me is accepting the events of my childhood, rape, physical and mental abuse, and getting away from the memories, getting to a stage in my own life, where the memories don’t make me feel I am about to collapse to me knees and vomit. At the moment I cannot do this. I get so panicky its like people are not speaking English to me, even when they are. My balance goes completely, colours shift, I feel faint, its like people are ghostly, not there. I then feel like I will vomit, and I sit, or lie, and I shiver. I just lie there and shiver, my heart beating so fast and so hard, it feels like it is going to burst out of my chest, and lay on the floor, quivering.

When I no longer go through this, week in week out, no panic, no flashes of anger so intense I cannot think, no panic so painful I cannot make sense of the world, when this no longer affects me, then I will have considered myself to have recovered.

Recover to me equates to freedom. Freedom from a malicious subconscious and conspicuous ever-present pain. I know I have said this once before, but I feel it is so important; I needed to say it twice. I know this talk has not been pleasant, and for that I am sorry, as I do not wish to cause you pain, or shock or sorry, or any real emotion. But I did want to explain how it feels where when you can live your life, get through a day and not be scared is recovery. Something so simple, yet it feels so unobtainable.

Anyway, for me, that is my definition of recovery. A life that is just that, a life. Not a battle for survival, where the tortured landscape of your mind isn’t the location of the never-ending battle for your soul.

And so I want to recover, be free of these demons, free of this pain. Let me recover God, please, if you exist, let me recover.

Adam Pick