Getting Back From Hell

From childhood, I was given the label "mad" and treated accordingly when I demonstrated any "human" emotion. Being human therefore meant being mad in my young mind. Slowly but surely, I acted out the part for protection and at the same time was hurting inside. A needy me turned to slashing my wrists and screaming for help at my local hospital where I was given more "official" labels and largactil - yet my feelings were ignored. I lashed out at everybody, especially those who I thought were close. Relationships were based on "my neediness" and were the forum for anger as I grew up. I was an abuser and I attracted abusers. I found someone worthwhile but my insatiable neediness and a desire to have children (I couldn't father any myself) led me to another who was sexually abused and had her own demons.

Because in my search to find out "what was wrong with me" I eventually got an education and a glimmer of a rare "confidence", I took her troubles on without really dealing with my own. SuperStu was born. The result was, I was emotionally and mentally abused as I tried to put my "environment" right. Still angry and still carrying my demons I was also abusive (mainly out of frustration). A realisation that I had to look "inward" and seek counselling hit me. This was my start in recovery.

Recovery has been slow and old labels still get slapped on me. Well into recovery, I took my certificate in counselling and was successful. I then, a couple of years later, started my Diploma. During this time I had got involved with a local mental health charity, who seemed initially to welcome me aboard. However, they had links with my "abusive" ex and their interest waned - I felt the tackiness of labels coming to haunt me. They never offered me a role that reflected my "real" experience nor qualifications, due, I believe to their contact with my ex.

I was angry and at the same time very sad that the organization should respond so negatively. Nevertheless, I was strong enough to handle this and found voluntary work as a counsellor for MIND and passed my Diploma with distinction. I guess, with a "mental health" label, you are always gonna have events like this occur. The best way to deal with this, I feel, is to realise you are OK and you are "human" and that applies to all. I now look after my needy "inner child" and listen well to his calls (sort of surrogate parent). The labels don't hurt so much coz I know and love myself. There can be life after hell you know!!

Stu