This Is My Story

My name is T, I am 25 and have been with my partner for 10 years and have four beautiful children you may think my life is perfect and it is, if only the past hadn't happened.

I was born in London my mum was a drug addict my dad a gambler (great combination).

The first time I went into care was when I was 1 years old I don't know how I was taken into care just that for the next 5 years I was in and out of care, back and fourth to my mum. At the age of five I was moved to P******* and taken into foster care permanently. Until the age of 7 I was in and out of temporary foster care, I was then placed with a permanent foster family,

This is where I remember the most

The family I moved in with were foster parents just for the money no love involved just mental abuse. This I got through because I would still see my mum. I loved her so much, but I remember some of the things that happened at though times.

I had been out with friends and when I came back I was told she had tried to kill herself again, jumping off bridges, taking tablets, this would happen about every 6 months but I still loved her.

I remember one Christmas when she came to stay with us she locked herself in the bathroom and tried to slit her wrists, the police were called I was destroyed I could not stop crying. The next week my foster mum was in my bedroom chanting to me, “she did it because she doesn't love you“. I put my fist through my bedroom window.

I was not a naughty child went to school did well no big problems just wanted to be loved that's all.

At this point I had little contact with my dad he had his new family I had a sister and a brother (half) they lived with him, why couldn't I?

A lot more incidents happened but I would been here all night if I told you about them so I will tell you about the day I left that home after seven years.

I was 14 I went into my foster mums room to ask her if she wanted a coffee before I went to school but she was asleep (always ill, I don't know how she got to be a foster parent!). Anyway I went down stairs and was just leaving for school when she whacked me across the face that she said is for not making me a drink. I left and went to the nearest phone box and called my social worker that was brilliant (we are friends now).

She moved me 25 miles to a new foster family they were lovely I had so much freedom maybe too much I started skipping school, going clubbing. At the age of 15 I met my partner at 16 we moved in together and I fell pregnant, people said it would not last.

We moved up to London so he could get a job my daughter was born in London in 97, when she was 6 weeks old we moved back down as I hated it in London.

My mum was in a mental hospital at the time for eating disorder and schizophrenic and self harming so I would have to go up for meetings to find out what was going on and they would call me if she needed to be sectioned.

I got on with it but by this time I had started to resent her and disliked her. I was a mum now and I could not bear giving my child up or taking my own life I could not understand her and I didn't have her on a pedestal any more.

I fell pregnant again and my second daughter was born in 99.

My mum was better she moved down to Plymouth and I was so angry inside but she would never talk about it and I always felt guilty because I could not act as her daughter no cuddles no love. I came to rely on her though she was brilliant with the kids she was begging to become a part of our everyday life I started to trust her again.

Guess what yes in 2000 I had my third daughter all difficult as I had to have caesareans I was poorly. When I came out of hospital and we didn't see mum for a couple of day’s so on the third day my partner went to check her flat we had a key.

She was half dead on the floor she had tried to kill her self again I could not believe it right after my daughter was born. I was devastated she was in hospital for weeks and then a mental hospital she had damaged her leg permanently where she had been lying on it for so long.

So I was up the mental hospital to consult with her doctors my daughter was only a couple weeks old I had so much resentment why would she want to leave me.

This time she got proper help a CPN and everything.

2002 my son was born.

My mum was there, she was well she looked after the girls she took them all on day trips and everything was brilliant. My kids loved her she was a massive part of their lives I was working from home she was helping me with childcare she even took them too London

It’s now 2005

In March I started a dream job I had no qualifications but they gave me a chance my girls now 8, 6, 4 were at school and my son 3 at nursery my mum would picks the girls and my son up and help (my partner is a lorry driver working away a lot). She had joined a darts team and was going out wearing make up.

On St Georges day she went out, she had a fight with a lady on the darts team, the lady started it mum went home and tried to kill herself was taken back into hospital. She called me and told me about the attack (no injuries) and said everything was ok, she forgot to mention she tried to kill herself.

I then had a call from the hospital to say she had been sectioned for her own good apparently all this time she had been still self harming.

After a week she came out I thought right a blip everything will be fine, my kids had missed her so much, but then I had another call she had tried to jump off a bridge and been sectioned again, she had not been taking her medication again had was hearing voices.

My kids were so upset that nanny wasn't around. I had to go and see my eldest's teacher (they just thought nanny was poorly)

We went up in the car so I could drop some clothes off I don't drive, the kids were in the car as we pulled into the car park she was stopped by police she had tried to escape she knew we were coming and she knew we would have the kids they were hysterical at that point I hated her.

On Saturday 14 may we went to London for the day to see my half sister I dropped some money up to her I called her Sunday she would not speak to me or Monday or tonight.

She has been moved to a more secure unit no one will tell me what's going on she has turned mine and my kid’s lives up side down

They say history repeats it self but in this case it won’t as I had had enough my kids will be better without her and so will I, I may sound cruel but I cant bear to be hurt any more.

My life was hard, but my kids are too important to me to let the past control my future.

Yes she has a mental illness, but I have coped with it for 25 years my kids won’t

T

Just a note: If you're struggling to cope with the distress of a family member or friend, please get some support for yourself. It can be difficult and overwhelming at times, but there is help out there. Try Rethink or www.mentalhealthcare.org.uk/carersupport/ for some ideas for local support) xxx Rachel