Frustrated Depressive

Although I've never been inclined to submit anything to a website before, mental unrest is a close companion of mine, and maybe writing about my recent events could be therapeutic, since I can't seem to get therapy elsewhere.

Now is not the time nor place for discussion of my problems, I just wish to share a grievance of the way I've been treated by mental health professionals. Lets just say paranoia, self harm, anxiety disorder, social phobia, agoraphobia and major depression have plagued me since before my memory kicked in.

I've suffered from depression and anxiety all my days, and have been diagnosed for 6 years (when I was 18, and took a rather unhealthy amount of pain killers and spent a week in hospital with a drip in my arm - don't do it kids, it just hurts). I've seen several counsellors, doctors, social workers and psychiatrists, as yet to no avail. I've taken all of the anti-depressants going, but you can't fool the mind.

I had a nervous breakdown a month ago. This left me housebound with agoraphobia. I summoned the courage to visit the doctor, who prescribed me pills and more pills, and insisted I saw a counsellor. I haven't seen a counsellor for 5 years, and I ended that abruptly so I tried to think positively - the last hope for cure. Take the pain, lose the time, lose the money, just sort yourself out I thought.

The NHS was obviously designed for people who don't hold jobs, because it's only 9 to 5. Unable to fit the bill of a private counsellor (the NHS wouldn't subsidise me) I started thinking of the social economic injustice - is good mental heath only for the very rich and very poor? Has capitalism left me cold? Eventually I found a charity subsidised place, and made an initial consultation. £70 later, I was told that I would be taken on, however all cases are discussed with a board and they may suggest a psychiatric evaluation first. Walk in the park I thought, a psychiatrist will only confirm my need for therapy.

1 month on and I'm back at work (I was signed off for a month to seek help). I've received the suggestion from the counselling services "See a psychiatrist, we are concerned that traditional therapy may make you more depressed". So discussing bottled up feelings can make you sad then, really! I explained that I had seen a psychiatrist, who recommend counselling, but they weren't interested. So now I'm left with no counsellor, no money to pay for a private one, no time to find another one (my 1 month to find a counsellor was spent looking at the doormat for the letter to arrive) and no hours to see an NHS one. To be rejected from a psychologist is pretty low, I'll be turned down by a prostitute next.

Their concern for their own liability has disgusted me, when I finally reached out for help I was kicked in the teeth. After they stole my money.

So they're right, going to see a counsellor has made me more depressed.

Sam