Playing A Dangerous Game

As someone who has been suicidal, and knows a few people that have carried it through to the end, I’m fed up of people assuming that we’re playing some kind of game. At the times I’ve wanted to take my own life I have been in so much pain that I just couldn’t bear it any longer. Seeing another way out of the situation can be very difficult (times this by 10 if you’ve no available support). So, did I enjoy my ‘game’? Obviously not – it was hell.

People’s attitudes to a suicidal person (whether they have attempted to end it or not) can compound the distress. There’s often a lot of high emotions and blame flying around (which seem to, almost magnetically, attach themselves to the one in the most immediate pain). Yes, I can understand that those around them may feel terrified, impotent, hurt and angry (I’ve been in that position too), but these feelings can be dealt with later. What’s important is to get you both through this crisis. Try to realize that they are not doing it to spite you - THEY ARE HURTING BADLY. Many feel enough guilt, themselves, for both of you (and then some).

Medical professionals are not immune to the tendency to place the blame solely on the person in crisis. Staff in A&E departments can make you feel like you’re a waste of resources. Nurses in a psychiatric unit may be hostile, avoid you like the plague or just pretend it never happened. That is not to say that things are all bad – some staff are worth their weight in gold. These are the ones that seem to realize that things are bad for you and treat you with respect, encourage you to talk it through, maybe even give you a hug. It just seems like pot luck which ones you get.

Suicidal feelings should always be taken seriously. People experiencing them should get support and understanding. Their family/close friends need help too (it can be exhausting trying to keep someone safe). Too many are dismissed, overlooked or just given empty platitudes like ‘look on the bright side’ and ‘things aren’t that bad, really’. What’s needed is real, concrete assistance that is tailored to the person and their situation. Once things are more settled work can be done on finding out why things got so bad, what could have been done better and how any future crisis can be managed. Not forgetting a chance for everyone concerned to express his or her thoughts and feelings in a safe environment – a crisis in itself is pretty traumatic.

It’s not a game for me. If it were a game I would be laughing (with glee, not hysterics).

‘You’re playing a dangerous game’ were the wise words of an on-call psychiatrist at A&E, a few months back, to my friend after she took an overdose of her medication. Now, as she has recently passed away, I feel that he got it the wrong way round. It’s them that are playing the game – and, yes, it IS dangerous.

Rachel Waddingham © 2002

Note: If you are affected by the stuff I’ve wrote you can find information and support in my resources section (see suicidal/crisis help). Please take a look. It might help