Michael Barrymore Syndrome

That's how I've justified my illness to myself - all funny people get depressed Caroline Aherne, Michael Barrymore and many more. So the price I pay for being a funny kind of gal is depression - somehow today the clouds have lifted and that seems quite a harsh price.

Then there is the hereditary argument my Nan had a "problem with her nerves" and endured the controversial electric shock treatment. My dad who is also my housemate has not worked for years and is separated from my mother mainly due to his depression. He is also a really funny man but the older I get the more I see that both myself and my dad are just great actors its easier being somebody else, both play acting the carefree behaviour we both are desperate for.

So I have just accepted it and have only begun to question the reasons why I have seen so many "head" doctors. The child psychologist clinic I attended as a child - with the black baby dolls that I associate with that time in my life.

It could be "attention seeking" which I put my hand up and admit to. I have an identical twin sister who I adore and two equally close sisters so could have been fighting for attention from my parents.

I am an adult now and am single for the first time in 8 years and have decided that I have spent the majority of my life with someone and am now spending quality time with me. As for a 23yr old I don't know much about myself. I compare myself the plasticine people in "Tony Hart" Art programme - I just mould to people . I have had some fantastic lovers and drinking partners who have distracted me for many years. Who accepted my feeble excuse that these mad moments are just part of me and lied to both them and myself that everyone has them.

So today I am admitting to for the first time I am a 23 year old ginger (I have also convincing lied to myself I that am strawberry blond) I suffer from depression and am addicted to Seroxat and have been for 3 years.

My aim in life is quite simple I want to know me, like me and be confident in my own company.

Jo