Top 10 Tips For Workers
(Things to keep in mind when you're working with me)

This list is particularly relavent for anyone trying to help someone diagnosed with 'bordeline personality disorder' (as i once was), is emotionally fragile or has been abused. i wrote it as part of a training session to help nursing students get some insight to how it feels to have this kind of diagnosis. I hope it'll help them to avoid the pitfalls of labelling people as 'attention seeking' and buying into the 'avoid at all costs' mentality that is prevalent in the mental health services right now.

Whilst i was diagnosed as a 'borderline' i was treated really badly by the professionals, as were my family. This is the rule, and not the exception. It's an attidude that misses the point - it misses the suffering and is misses the chance to actually help someone climb out of the hole that they're in. In fact it pushes you further down that hole. This needs to change.

OK - now for the list ...

I am a human being, and deserve your respect and empathy. If I’m going to work with you I need to know that you believe this, and it’s a good place to start.

Don’t be shocked if things suddenly blow up out of nowhere, if I seemingly overreact to something so small you didn’t even consider it an issue. Sometimes my skin feels like it’s been burned away and I can feel everything with frightening intensity. Buttons are more easily pressed, and wounds more easily opened. If you stay a while in my shoes you might understand that it’s not an overreaction at all – that it even makes some sense.

Avoid overused terms such as ‘attention seeking’ and ‘acting out’. They make me feel angry that you’re not listening to me and don’t understand me at all. They have been used by far too many people, in far too many negative ways. Now they are a tried & tested way of getting me to put my barriers up and switch off.

If I cut, yell, shout, overdose, burn myself or do something that screams ‘attention seeking’ to you please don’t switch off, withhold help or judge me unfairly. Remember that if I’m looking for attention there’s always a reason why.

When I’m beginning to learn that it’s ok to ask for help verbally, without doing anything drastic, please value that as the breakthrough it is. It’s not an easy thing for me to do, and it’ll be clumsy a lot of the time – but if you recognise it and encourage it it’ll get easier.

Understand that my past experiences have left me bruised, battered and otherwise scarred. This isn’t just a result of the abuse, but is also a product of the treatment I’ve received whilst in the system. Every negative experience just adds to the trauma, and it’ll take a lot of slow painstaking work to overcome it.

I’m not just a mental patient – I’m a talented, artistic and intelligent individual. I care deeply for the people around me, and I have many strengths & weaknesses that are unrelated to my mental ill health. Don’t fall into the trap of seeing my illness before you see me.

If I act in a way that upsets you, scares you or makes you angry please feel able to speak to me about it – but make sure it’s for the right reasons and at the right point in time. Yelling at me after an overdose will just make things worse, so will ignoring me or telling me how stupid I am. Yes, you have feelings to, but please sort them out with another professional before you talk to me. Don’t do it in anger, and if you do then apologise afterwards – it’ll help our relationship if we acknowledge we both have flaws.

Be straight with me – don’t make promises you can’t keep, and don’t placate me with things you don’t believe. This will just add to the chaos of my world, and everything really is confusing enough already. Be yourself. In the long run I’ll respect you for it, and it’s an essential requirement if I’m going to begin to trust you.

And finally – give me time to be me. Sit with me in my distress and don’t be afraid to show that you care. Don’t dismiss my feelings, and if they are too intense or bring stuff up for you then talk to someone and get support. You don’t need to fix me, I’m not a broken toy and I sometimes just need someone to listen to me and say that, yes – it really is crap – and then make me a cup of tea. That helps me more than you can imagine.

Rachel Waddingham © 2003